Melissa's Secret

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 14:37:46 GMT

For any one who may read this our lives have been going quite well. He doesn't have a job, but it doesn't matter I make enough for the both of us. Either way things are great. I love him forever and taht's all that matters.
peace
-mel

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 00:47:52 GMT

well...I can say I've been quite happy for some weeks. I really don't want to say much more than that. I don't want to spoil it. I love him forever.

-mel

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 00:53:50 GMT

I don't really know what to say. I'm tired always. It doesn't help my mood. I don't know what more to say than that. I know he doesn't want me here but I can't leave. I'm selfish.

He's the greatest thing in my life even when I'm mad at him. I love him.

that is all...

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 22:44:01 GMT

I don't even know where to start on this one. I'm hurt and not anything in the world can fix that. Will I leave him? NO. Hell no. Why? Because then he gets off too easy. I want him to look at me everyday and remember. I wish he only knew how long it took the bitch on the suicide hotline to talk me down.
I'm hurt.
I'm angry.
He just doesn't know he's wrong and that is what hurts the most.

I hope it was worth it Brookes. My hard earned money you took to spend on other women. You didn't even come home with pennies. And to top it all off you had the balls to say I could pay your bills with my next check as you walked out. YOU WALKED OUT ON ME, but I'm not about to walk out on you. I'm not about to hurt you like you hurt me.
Just let this be a lesson. Also know it will take me years to trust you with my heart again...that is if I ever do.
I don't know right now. I'm in so much pain.

I wish I would have known what to do so I would be feeling like this was my fault. Last night you blammed me...And I can't stop blamming myself.

-the one you left behind

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 03:53:17 GMT

Oh another eventful day in the life of me. Talking to my aunt always seems to help though. I really feel strongly about going to church now. Not just to go...but just to hear and feel the word of God in my heart again. I strongly feel that I have been drifting away more and more from God. Brookes' friend Steven took him out to drink tonight. I hope he acts single since it is what he desires. (That was probably rude.) None-the-less...today was rough. I hopeit doesn't happen again. I know it will though. I just wish we could come to a common ground. Maybe someday...

I just want a family and a good Christian home. I want to be happy...not content.
I love him forever.
-mel

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 19:48:35 GMT

Things around here have been relatively calm. Other than the obvious I think we're functioning quite well. Somewhere I have to come up with money to pay my gramma, get Brookes another b-day present, and save for the two trips I need to take. I need to find a seconf job so Brookes and I don't have to live so tight like this. It sux.
Well...I guess if I can't get him anything else that he enjoys the new fone I got him.
I'll talk later...I love him forever
-mel

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 16:49:47 GMT

Wow! What a crazy week. I'm really upset about Erika. Having cancer that will take over your life so quickly is so hard to deal with. I love Brookes so much, but I know this is going to be very difficult for him. I guess all I can do is pray that a possitive outcome will come of this.
I love you Brookes M. Smith.
-mel

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 04:52:26 GMT

Grr. I miss him...he just left. I don't really know what to write. I guess he's right. We only write when times are rough.
I know we need to pay these people off but damn, I want a bed. A bed that is OURS. Not get back some bed Erika's ass has been sleeping (and who knows what else) on.
I don't know what to do. A very small part of me wants to run away again. In some odd way I feel it will help him. He wants to be single. His friends all agree I'm some horrible thing for him. He constantly questions our relationship. I'm just a whiney ass bitch.
I don't know...there's so many reasons why I should leave and never look back. My love for him is what keeps me here. I just hope God will show me a way soon.
I am so lost. I just need help.

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 22:00:51 GMT

Where do I begin? This week has been descently good. Out side of the little tiff we got into the middle of this week. Ah well. He's really special to me and if dating other people makes him happier...it's ok.
His friends say it will make him happier and he belives everything taht comes out of their mouths so it should happen........We'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Anyways. I've been having better days knowing when I fall asleep I don't have to worry as much about things being payed now that he got his check. The bills are payed...and we still had a little to spurge on a few small things.
I love him. Nothing changes that...
later
-mel

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 22:24:53 GMT

hahahaha...I'm not THAT lost

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 02:50:02 GMT

Wow. I know I haven't written forever. So much has happened but not really. Monday Brookes and I went on a date. A real date. We went to dinner at Olive Garden and then went and saw SpiderMan 2. It was the greatest. I went to bed the happeist person ever. It was like he put me on this high. He told me I was pretty (cuz I sorta dressed up and did my hair and stuff). It made me feel uber good.
Tuesday was same old same old. Nuthin new.
Wednesday I didn't go to work. I was just sooo tired. That night we sorta had it out and I again didn't get to bed till a few hours before I had to wake up for work. He really needs to stay at work when they give him over time. Grr. Ah well.
Thursday was a half day at work I went right home after lunch. He came and picked me up for lunch that day and took me to Sonic. It was so nice of him. That night though I thought he'd stay at work if I went out with one of my friends. Chris invited me to this function at the Home Bar for this DJ that died in a car wreck. It was soo cool to see all that talent and to see all these people get together like that for someone. When it was over I was so ready to go home. Infact I had BEEN ready to go home for sometime. Sometimes being out at clubs these days makes me grumpy. Anyways a small group of us got together afterwards at a little chinese place for some grub. It was really good, but I was tired and ready to go home.
As soon as I pulled up, Brookes was outside at his car. As I got out he told me not to touch him and he was all distant. So when we got inside we finally told me what was up. (I didn't know I had done anything wrong.) Basically we came to this conclusion. He came home early, wanted to see me, I wasn't there, then I was home late, that upset him.
So since I already act like his g/f we decided we're back together. I hope it never ends. I love him so much. I can't think of loving other people. I've tried. I know I can't.
Ah well, so today I saw Bonnie. I really have missed her and it was super good to see her. I smoked a few hits. No I don't feel bad. No I don't need anymore. A little tingly high for a couple hours was enough. NO MORE. AND I plan on telling Brookes upfront, cuz being honest is just fair. I just hope Brookes isn't too upset. But I can't change what I've already done.
I love him too much to lose him. I hope I never do.
FOREVER
-mel

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 22:00:09 GMT

We just got back from the mall. It was nice to spend time with him. Maybe once a week or so we could make time to go out to eat like we did today. He also bought me two pair of pants. He didn't have to, but I kinda needed them. It doesn't leave us with ANY money till I get paid, but I guess that's ok.
I can't wait untill his birthday. I have a suprise for him. He is the ultimate best. (And not becuz he bought me clothes.) He just is. I love him.

Forever!
-mel

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 23:56:25 GMT

Well, I'm gunnu step out of this little box one more time tonight. I'm gunnu go see a couple friends at some little hole in the wall club. I feel soooo bad cuz I won't see Brookes for his lunch break. Also, I didn't get an OK from him first which makes me think he'll be mad at me. I shure hope not. I'll be back before any of them close anyway. It'd be like me heading down to the coffe shop...like he suggested I do anyway.
GRR...I hope this doesn't lead to ANOTHER fight. poo

Well, I hope I have fun...I love him FOREVER BIATCHEZZZ!!!

-malice

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 17:47:09 GMT

There are so many things to say. I really don't even know if I want to say them. I know he'll read this and get on to me about how I think. My opinions don't matter. After all the work I did last night I feel like it went unappreciated. It's kind of like when I was living with my parents. I would spend hours cleaning the kitchen. They'd come home dump their stuff in there and not say a word. Then after I decided not to say anything to them for a few days they'd wonder why I was mad. Then when I told them I just wanted a thank you they'd say it should've been done anyway and it never should have got like that in the first place.
I guess subcons. I can't let myself live any other way. Maybe nothing will ever be enough.
Life goes on...
Don't get me wrong. This doesn't kill my good mood. I mean hell I got off early today. So I'm taking a mini vacation. Going to visit a friend. Just give me a little gurlie time to myself since I didn't get to use any of my money of ANYTHING for myself. Not even my bills. That's ok though. I'm just gunno get away for about 20 hours...it'll be a nice change. Help me to clear my head. I don't like being upset with Brookes. He is really the greatest person ever. I love him with everything I have. Sometimes we just need a little break...and tonight is the perfect opportunity. He'll be at work so he wont' miss me anyway.

Sigh...Everything will be ok. Everything will work out. I'll be ok. I am in control of me. This is my life. I'm a happy and functioning human being. I'm the better person. I'm beautiful. I am strong.

Today, I am OK.

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 02:26:51 GMT

Today was a good day. I did my work mostly without being bothered. I made some friends...work friends. It's cool though. I also got paid today. Not as much as I was expecting, but to my relief All bills will be paid. Except mine. Anyways...I went to the grocery store and got everything I needed and then some for 50 bux! Not bad since that's all I planned on in my budget. I also paid the RAC bill. I hope Brookes is happy about that. I also gave some money to TC. And I still have money to pay back Steven. I also did the dishes and the laundry and cleaned the house. I hope Brookes is pleased with that as well. I just want him to be happy with me. Anyways...I'm gunnu stry to lay down and get tired. Hopefully if I get soem good sleep I'll have another good day. I love Brookes. He will always be the best.

-mel

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 11:34:38 GMT

Ahhhh. The bright and early mornin'...

So peaceful. Well, I think I slept better last night which makes a big improvement on my mood. and....(drumroll)

I GET PAID TODAY!!!

Anyways, I love him and he's the best. No matter what anyone else tries to tell me, I know it's true. Well, I'm off.

-mel

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 21:22:17 GMT

hahahahaha...damn I'm good

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 21:45:35 GMT

How to make a lilkikgirl

Ingredients:

5 parts anger

5 parts ambition

5 parts ego

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of emotion and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Sounds about right...minus three parts anger...I'm not that aingsty

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 11:32:32 GMT

It's morning. I'm so tired...but atleast I'm smiling. I really should go to bed when I get home today and not wake up. I'm so exhausted. I fell happy...and that's where we'll leave it.
I love him forever! NO one person can or will change that...

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 05:51:06 GMT

I've decided not to use this as a dump for all the bad thoughts. Although I doubt I'll take back what's already been said. I don't need more people thinking I'm some lunitic like all his friends do. Plus there's too many Dravers on this stupid piece of trendy shit. I'd hate to know what they think of me thus far, much less after reading this shit.

Atleast I'm CONstructive with my bad thoughts rather than DEstructive like some folks I know. I guess though in the real world that doesn't count. People are too busy trying to persuede others how much more sane they are compared to the next guy. OR too busy telling other people what to do.

Just becuase you've made your life all this greatness on the outside (e.i. getting married, having some spectacular job, having better materialistic things) doesn't mean you REALLY have your shit together. Atleast I don't buy it.

I'm beginning to think I should just walk away now. Before I get so sucked in I can't breath. The damage has been done and I can't make people think it will be any different this time. So I'm giving up. Trying to tell people things will be different. That I'm different. Fuck they don't even know me....

If you can't see it...You never saw me to begin with.

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 05:22:19 GMT

:: sigh ::
I don't even know how to begin this one. So much has happened today. One of Brookes' friends called and offered to 'share'. (If you've read any of my other journal entries You know what I mean.) Anyways, I wanted to give in and go do a little. I never went to where he was. I was more angry with myself than him. How could I say I'd come down there or atleast try? On the other hand, How dare he ask. Either that's all over with.

About Brookes. I had someone mention our lives were like a damn soap. Maybe that's true. I don't know. Parts of me long for something I'm not even sure of what. I just wanted to cry in his arms. For him to stay here and hold me. Actually me hold him. All my selfish thoughts. How could I? I'm so wrapped up in myself I forget what makes him bitter. Me...and all the other people he's dealt with since we've been together. Erika, Wendy, Sammy...and a few other choice individuals...all of which I don't particularly care for because at one point or another they hurt my Brookes.

MY Brookes. That's right! Mine. I love him more than any of you fucks! If I could take all the wrong and hurtful things that have happened to him I would. He'd be a better person without them.
God I miss the days I'd skip school,drive forever, and crawl into bed with him. He had given me a key. He trusted me then. Man I fucked that up.

I guess life goes on. I mean...I've made it to here. If I could go back and change anything. It would be me leaving him in the first place. I can't talk about it anymore. It hurts.

Honestly at this moment there are no real problems in my life. Minor ones ofcourse, but I'm ok.

I just want to cry...damn women and their moods.

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 19:28:33 GMT

Wow. We can't even go to the mall without some bullshit. I just wnat to look at clothes. I'm sorry I've never been to this mall and I don't really knwo where I'm going. I walked into the boys side of the store at PacSun. I get shit about that. I get shit about my name since it's a clothing line that is sold there. I get shit about all this CRAP and I'm sick of it. I cna't go in public with him without feeling like shit. He always has to put me down. I feel like his little fucking whore taht he just drags around to shut me up. Sorry if I want to spend time with you. Sorry if I just want to do somethings (even window shop) cuz it makes me feel fucking better. I'm fucking sorry that everyday no matter what it is it's my fault. I'm sorry I'm even bothering with this shit sometimes. I'm sick of feeling like shit anytime I'm around him and he feels like putting me down and making me feel like the worste person ever.
DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER MUTHER FUCKER?
Does it make you feel better that you make me feel and look like shit. I TRY to take pride in the way I look, but what's the fuckin point when I get treated like this alot. I might as well where ragged clothes and never do my hair or my makeup.
WILL THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER MUTHER FUCKER?
Will it make you feel better for me to look like shit all the time. You don't take pride in me. Last weekend when I met your family I had to introduce myself to them and then sit there by myself the whole time. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ME?
Yes these are very selfish thoughts, but I never think of myself first NEVER!!! How about a suprise...like a card telling me you love me...or something cute and small. Something to make ME feel special?!??!! Hell Valentine's Day I practically begged for a CARD! Fuck Me! Fuck if I feel good about myself! Fuck the things I do for you!

...but we're not together...so it doesn't count.

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 06:53:01 GMT

I cannot believe I just did that.
Here's a little history. I used to do drugs. Lots of drugs. I also used to make sure they got distributed. Anyways...an old friend who is still involved came to me looking for help. An order was put through that someone at the last minute backedout of. So still owing money he had to get rid of them. I called another old friend and got it hooked up and then I find out the guy didn't need help anyway. He had someone else pick them up. How dare you put my ass on the line?!
Also, how dare I put my name out there like that. I don't do drugs anymore!!!
Ah well. That was my wrong doing. I feel horrible now. At least I didn't do any drugs...gosh I don't think I could live with myself for that.
Moving right along. Brookes came home for lunch. I had a casserole made for him. Oh the things I do for the people I love. Anyways, he was still quiet. Only this time he pointed the attention at me. Wondering if I was ok. Nothing really was wrong. I was also tired and maybe tired of the static between us. I feel like this is all a bad dream. That I'll wake up and I'll be married to him and have a family. That we'll have the little house with a dog in the back yard.
Instead I live in an apt. that used to be a hotel 40 some years ago. I live with my ex boyfriend who's still married to the girl he knocked up. And to top it off I work some warehouse job that has no promises in getting me anywhere in life.
None-the-less I continue to dream. I wanted to start college in the fall, but I'm waiting yet another year to save money. I need a car so badly, so I should be saving for that. I want to go shopping. I know that so materialistic, but it seems like it's been soooo long since I did something for myself.
WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!
Instead I help pay his bills and help with his debts. Maybe my next check I'll go buy a t-shirt or something simple. Maybe get my hair done. Then I'll take him out to dinner. He needs nice things for himself too. I know it's hard. It's even worse with his dumb mom and everyone else getting on his ass. Something nice might change his mood.
I KNOW! I'll take him to dinner and then buy him something he wants.

Maybe then he'll smile for me...Oh the dreams I have...

Goodnight
-mel

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 00:15:58 GMT

Perhaps I should stop with the hater messages...I do have a life outside of this drama. Not taht I could give you any examples at the moment, but hey I have a life damnit! hehe
My spirits are slightly lightened. Talking to simple people with a bit of humor...it's a nice change.
I should do the dishes...gawd I'm lazy. hehe...

Oh and also...I just want to take this time to thank who ever decided it was cool to put lidocain in aloe. My sunburn appreciates it.

-mel

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 22:35:49 GMT

He just left for work. Sad and depressed. It seems like I'll never get the old Brookes back. The one that was so happy to see me all the time. The Brookes that smiled alot and was so loving. I know it wasn't the drugs that kept him happy. I've seen him on drugs since then and he's been everything but happy. Something else made him happy. I just wish I knew what it was. I guess there's nothing I can do about it.
On another point... He wants sex, but if we're just friends why should we have sex? Sex changes EVERYTHING!!! Doesn't he know? There will always be emotions attached to sex. That's with anyone. Ask your local hooker. They'll say eventually they'll want to slow down and have a family. They just can't right now because they need the money. All I'm saying is how can he ask or want to have sex with me if he doesn't want to get back together? How dare him!!! Either way I've already given in. Not today...but I have. What part of I'm not in the mood doesn't he get. Not in the mood= why bother? it makes me want to love you more. Damnit! I do love him. I can't imagine not loving him. I just have to wait and sit back while he does 'other things'. It's fair. He let me back into his life after I did 'other things'.
So I'll wait. I'll wait to love and to have this man. I love him.

let's see:
your name
do you smoke?
do you drink?
stronger drugs?
your favourite activity
you are	Such a character
you wish you were	Dating your friends girlfriend/boyfriend
you hope	To become more tolerant and good-looking everyday
people think you are	Evil
intelligent people though, think you are	Cute
but, really, you're just	Quite lost

This cool quiz by apistrakus - Taken 3293 Times. </a>